Taiga's birthday night coincides with his musical schedule in Osaka. But it doesn't really hold any particular weight for him, he tells himself.
Over the years, Taiga has become accustomed to spending important days away from his parents and grandparents. Spending his birthday alone in a hotel room in Osaka isn't a big deal, considering he has devoted almost half of his life to spending New Year's Eve at the Tokyo Dome. He's missed this most important family celebration of the year countless times, to the point where spending it elsewhere but at work would sound foreign to him.
The members decided a long time ago to skip official birthday celebrations for everyone except the leader's birthday of the ongoing year due to the hassle and scheduling conflicts. This year, they kept it straightforward; they celebrated with some cake and sparkling wine backstage and threw an after-party for Shintaro's birthday in July. That's it.
However, Taiga still experiences a pleasant surprise when the clock strikes midnight on his birthday.
Their group chat suddenly buzzes with messages and warm wishes from his members.
Taiga!!! Happy birthday!!! ^^ ZUDON~
Congrats Kyomo!!!!
H a p p y y y~ B i r t h d a y y y~ K y o m o Kyokyo!
Happy Birthday Taiga!
Of course, Hokuto, being his usual self, sends only a cluster of random emojis with pandas, ribbons, and policemen before a voice message pops up in the middle of their conversation.
"Happy birthday, Kyomoto. Have a good one," Hokuto wishes monotonously in a 5-second-long voice message, his voice sounding a bit hoarse.
It's just so... Hokuto. Who even uses the voice message feature on LINE?
But only watching the messages from his members fills Taiga with warmth. Despite the somewhat subdued celebration, all that feels nice.
And despite the echoes of loneliness lingering in the background, Taiga can't help but silently send thanks somewhere in the sky for the existence of such members in his life.
*****
Back in Tokyo in the evening, they all six gather for a live performance. The dressing room buzzes with activity, but Taiga can't escape the weariness that has settled over him. He hasn't been sleeping too well, and going back between two cities has taken a toll on him.
As soon as Jesse spots Taiga in the dressing room, he rushes over to give him a squeeze on his shoulder.
"Happy birthday, Taiga. You're finally 29, huh!" Jesse exclaims, taking Taiga's hands in his and swaying their arms amusingly, as if in a dance move. It feels out of sync with Taiga's subdued mood.
"Thank you," Taiga responds and smiles faintly at Jesse's keenness.
"I must keep my promise and finally take you out to eat and to celebrate. I know all the best places!" Jesse declares. "We can go to a bar and get smashed afterwards!"
The prospect of celebration feels distant, and despite Jesse's attempts to infiltrate energy into the moment, Taiga can't escape the fleeting feeling of melancholy.
Their group indulges in the only tradition they came up with a few years ago for Taiga's birthday: creating a golden chair with interlocked arms, carrying Taiga, and taking a birthday picture for the fans.
However, Juri proposes a twist this time – having Taiga actually lie down on their arms. Before that, Jesse, who's always more or less up for a bit of something more extreme, suggests trying the fireman-style carry on him.
"But Taiga is not a girl," Kochi grimaces at the idea.
"We've noticed that very well," Juri retorts, earning a collective chuckle from the members.
After the performance, Juri mysteriously disappears, only to reappear from behind the corner a few moments later, holding a small cake with a lone candle.
"Shintaro, can you light the candle up?" Juri requests, bringing the cake in front of Taiga. "Happy birthday, Kyomo! Yes, I know, we agreed not to have any presents or parties, but cake is a must. Even a small one."
"That's for me?" Taiga asks automatically, feeling a bit silly with all the sudden attention directed at him. Everyone in the room watches him with expecting smiles on their faces.
Shintaro approaches, lighting the candle with a lighter he's snagged from a staff member.
"Blow it! And then you need to wish for something!" Jesse insists. "It's your last birthday in your 20s. It's important to wish for something."
"It's just one birthday," Taiga tries to shrug off but still complies by blowing the candle.
Then it's Juri's turn to insist that Taiga should eat the whole cake. Despite already feeling full after one piece, Taiga needs to decline a few times, offering the remaining cake to the other members several times before Juri literally shoves the plate in front of him again.
"You eat it," Juri says. "You need to eat it."
"You should be the last one saying that," Taiga answers flatly, but in response, Juri dips his fingers into the cake to take some whipped cream and then wipes it against Taiga's lips like a bit of shit he is.
Juri often pretends to be the drill sergeant or their guardian who keeps them in order in front of the cameras, but when the lens isn't looking, he's really one of the worst troublemakers.
Taiga grins at him and returns the favor by taking some cream from his lips and then wiping it against Juri's.
Even as they laugh, Taiga feels a bit out of place. No, he feels sorry for the others to go through so much effort because of him.
Maybe birthdays just aren't his thing, really.
*****
On the next day, Kochi corners Taiga somewhere away from the cameras at the studio.
"Taiga," he says, "I came with a car today, and I thought it would be fun to visit Akihabara tonight after the recording since I haven't been there in a while. You're not busy, right? Want to come along?"
With no prior plans or overlapping schedules, Taiga agrees. After the recording wraps up, Kochi leads him to the car, and they head to Akihabara.
Taiga puts some Vaundy as music and sings along with it as they make their way through the city.
"I was thinking you could choose whatever you want, and I'll pay for it," Kochi says, spreading his arms affectionately as they step into the department store filled with anime and manga items. "It was your birthday, after all."
Little does Kochi know what he has committed to.
"I think that's kind of expensive. For that being a bunch of..." Kochi starts as Taiga proudly shows up near the cashier with an exclusive deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in his hands. He ends it with a long sigh, "...cards."
Unfazed, Taiga goes to take the deck back to the shelf.
"Don't you already have something like that?" Kochi questions with a suspicious look on his face as Taiga is then about to pick a One Piece mug from another shelf.
Taiga continues his spree.
"You can't fit that anywhere in your home," Kochi says as Taiga finally waves a large Pignite plush in front of Kochi's face.
"But you told me I can pick whatever I want," Taiga retorts.
Kochi shakes his head and fights back a smile. "You're a grown man, Taiga."
"Exactly. Grown men know what they want," Taiga says and shoves the Pignite plush near Kochi's face one more time, waving it as if the Pokémon is nodding in agreement.
In the end, the most rewarding thing about the rest of the evening is the priceless look Kochi sends to the backseat where the Pignite toy is seated, the seatbelt fastened over it, and everything. It's funny because Kochi should already be used to Taiga's antics by now.
"You're hopeless," Kochi states.
Taiga shrugs. It's clearly a joke from Kochi's side, but maybe, just maybe, Taiga does embrace the label of being a bit hopeless.
*****
The following day, Taiga is barely awake when he receives a message from Shintaro.
In his half-asleep haze, he reads that Shintaro wants to take all of them to a winter camp finally, and he needs Taiga to help him convince everyone. While Shintaro has been mentioning all these ideas frequently, receiving suggestions out of nowhere like this through a direct message feels random.
But then again, it's not entirely random.
Shintaro wears his heart on the tip of his nose, and he's the one among them who genuinely feels guilty if he senses there hasn't been enough effort for all of them to keep in touch. He keeps emphasizing that they are all friends, and over the years, Taiga has come to genuinely appreciate it—because when Shintaro keeps saying it, the feeling holds true.
It's kind of adorable.
The adorableness factor reaches new heights when Shintaro takes it upon himself to broadcast in the group chat that he has received official permission from Taiga to host his winter camp for the entire group. As if the occasion necessitated Taiga's specific consent in the first place, and Taiga's contribution was really that he ended up sending a message with a simple "yeah sure".
But then again, Shintaro has expressed his biggest concern about Taiga and Juri's survival when it comes to his winter camp plan. So maybe, in his ever-so-quirky logic, ensuring that even the weakest links are on board adds an extra layer of pressure on them to not just discuss the plan but actually carry it out.
Taiga suddenly feels kind of sorry for his group for often being the one who's slowing them down.
He doesn't understand why the thought hits him like that.
*****
As the following day unfolds, Taiga has already managed to secure a brief hiatus from the entertainment world for one night, so he attends a bonenkai event organized for their middle school class.
Perhaps it's due to his current status, or maybe it's just been far too long since they all gathered, but he finds it challenging to engage in meaningful discussions with anyone.
Instead, he finds himself circulating through different groups, mostly observing and listening rather than actively contributing. The conversations revolve around their respective work, families, and the perpetual busyness of life.
What can he really say?
"Hey, want to hear about my work?"
Like they wouldn't know what he's currently doing for a living.
The probability they haven't seen his face on their television or on advertisement boards all around the country must be below zero.
But the other option also sounds lame.
"Hi, you guys must know what I'm doing for work, right? Do you want to hear about it more like you wouldn't hear about it everywhere anyway?"
He doesn't have a family of his own to talk about like some others seem to do. Sure, he has his parents, but who really wants to hear about someone else's parents? And it'd be even more awkward when they happen to be celebrity parents.
Everyone keeps saying that having other friends outside the industry is important, to keep in contact with those who aren't part of it.
But maybe Taiga missed that chance a long time ago to even have such friends in the first place.
Later, the conversation turns when someone brings up a LINE group chat. Taiga inquires about it, but the response is awkward laughter and nervous glances. Everyone brushes it off, saying it's nothing, just friends chatting casually. They claim no one really talks much there anyway.
But Taiga keeps asking until he finally gets the truth.
He finds out that everyone else is part of this group chat, and he's the odd one out. Everyone awkwardly tries to explain, one friend trying to point out that not everyone is in the chat, mentioning Suzuki's absence. Yet, Taiga later discovers that Suzuki left the whole group by his own decision, so Taiga is indeed the only one who wasn't invited in the first place.
"We... didn't even think. Sorry for that," one of them says, not sounding apologetic at all.
The realization dawns upon Taiga. He was not only left out but wasn't even considered for inclusion in the first place.
It shouldn't make him sad. He's a celebrity, different from them. Of course they wouldn't include someone like him in their chat.
Yet, a subtle twinge of loneliness kind of stays. Somewhere beneath the surface.
Like an annoying stick lodged beneath one's fingernail.
****
As their group gathers for another meeting, they're gearing up for the first formation practice of their upcoming tour. But before that, there's another Youtube video that needs to be done.
Having just wrapped up his vocal lesson and having a moment before the video shooting, Taiga finds a spot to relax and plays with his phone when he notices Hokuto entering the break room.
Hokuto's clearly been having some individual work earlier as well, considering the amount of make-up he's wearing and how his hair is neatly styled.
Taiga raises his head, offering a friendly greeting to Hokuto before diving back into his phone. He senses Hokuto moving around and then settling into the armchair positioned directly across from Taiga.
"It's just you and me, Kyomoto," Hokuto laughs nervously. "The awkward start of our gathering, right?"
Taiga bites back his lip and remains silent.
He can't quite identify the reason, but he's not in the mood for any bantering. While it's typically amusing to make jokes about his and Hokuto's awkwardness—an absurd yet oddly accurate thing—he finds the joke not funny at all today.
Somewhere deep within, Taiga wishes Hokuto wouldn't joke about it so much in general. While Hokuto often insists that it's all in good fun and that they're on excellent friendly terms for real, Taiga secretly wishes to hear more of those reassurances rather than going on about how he's an awkward person to spend time with.
He's been a burden on everyone lately. Despite them being so friendly and patient with him, he's just being unfair.
He puts his phone away and struggles to maintain a composed expression. Hokuto seems to pick up on it, immediately stopping his joking and leaning forward.
"Kyomoto?" Hokuto asks worryingly.
"I don't know."
"What?"
"I--," Taiga starts before he can't control it anymore. His face contorts, and he can't help but emit a choked sound that feels like coming somewhere deep within his chest.
As the first tear escapes, Taiga's breath catches, and he blinks rapidly, attempting to fight back the overwhelming feeling. But despite his efforts, he can't stop it any longer.
The tears from both of his eyes start flowing in silence, and they trace visible paths down his cheeks.
His jaw tightens in an attempt to maintain some semblance of composure as he tries to say something that would explain this sudden outburst.
"Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm just exhausted and I--"
"Kyomoto."
Taiga swallows and takes a careful look at Hokuto, who's leaning forward on his chair, hands together resting on his knees.
"It's fine," Hokuto reassures him with a gentle tone.
Taiga lets the tears flow, silently questioning and mocking himself as to why he's even crying when there's really no specific reason.
It's been a while since he last shed tears, but now it feels like a release of all the suffocated emotions and physical exhaustion at once.
He also struggles to comprehend why specifically Hokuto's gentle gaze and friendly voice resonate within him so deeply.
Hokuto gives him time patiently, not making a fuss about the situation or making it weird. Then he stands up quietly and tiptoes to the other side of the room.
When he returns to Taiga, he sits down next to him, offering a pack of handkerchiefs.
Taiga accepts the package and yanks one tissue from it.
With a silent understanding, Hokuto wraps a warm arm around Taiga. It feels tender yet firm. As if the gesture itself is already sending Taiga the kind of comfort he desperately needs.
But there appears to be no end to his crying. Each time he uses a tissue to wipe away the tears, new ones well up in his eyes.
Hokuto doesn't take his arm away. He silently maintains his gaze straight forward, keeping his arm wrapped around Taiga's shoulder, and slowly smoothes it with his thumb.
Taiga maintains his gaze fixed downward, tears continuing to stream down his face. The sound of the door opening reaches his ears, but he refrains from lifting his head to see who has entered.
"Is everything okay?" Shintaro's concerned voice asks somewhere across the room.
Hokuto, still gently smoothing Taiga's shoulder, doesn't pull his arm away even at that. "Yeah, everything's fine. We'll come there soon. Can you let the others know that we'll be a little bit late?" he says softly.
"Sure thing."
The door closes. Taiga takes a deep breath, feeling a bit more composed. The tears have finally stopped flowing, as well.
"Better?" Hokuto asks him. His tone remains still soft, so gentle that it almost makes Taiga want to start crying again.
"I guess. Sorry for this sudden outburst."
"Nah, never apologizing in this group for feeling something, you remember? Only if we've hurt someone, then we say sorry," Hokuto reassures him.
"But now my face is all bloated and red," Taiga says.
"I have some powder in my bag. Come on, I'll help you apply some."
*****
Once Taiga and Hokuto make their way to the rest of the group, the atmosphere is surprisingly calm. No one makes any fuss, no jokes about KyomoHoku, and no comments on Taiga's appearance, although there still must be traces of his earlier crying on his face. There's simply the unspoken agreement to let things be like they are and respect each other's emotions.
Taiga quietly takes his seat, and Juri, without mentioning the earlier incident he must have heard about, puts a reassuring hand on Taiga's shoulder as he starts reading the instructions for their game aloud. It's a small gesture but a silent acknowledgment of understanding and support.
The others join in the conversation, acting like nothing unusual happened. They all follow the rule Hokuto mentioned earlier - no needless apologies or fussing when it's about a real thing. Respecting each other's feelings and giving everyone the space they need is the gear of how their group works.
Later, the group easily gets into the game's flow, and laughter fills the air. It's all normal, everything's just like it always is.
After the game and when they're about to start the formation practice, it's Kochi's hand that comes to Taiga's shoulder. A quiet reminder that they're there for each other, no matter what.
*****
After wrapping up the day, Taiga waits in the parking hall for his ride. Unexpectedly, Hokuto arrives, eliciting a surprised expression from Taiga.
"I thought Juri is going to give you a ride?" Taiga questions as Hokuto walks to him.
Hokuto offers a faint smile. "He is, but I wanted to check on you first."
"Check on me? I'm fine."
Hokuto takes a moment, his gaze sincere. "I'm sure you are. Just making sure, you know?"
"You're like my mom sometimes."
"Well, someone's got to look out for you when she's not around. Now, serious talk."
"Serious talk? What happened to just checking if I'm okay?"
"I wanted to tell you something."
Taiga raises an eyebrow at that.
"We care about you, Kyomoto," Hokuto then says. "All of us. I do as well."
Taiga remains looking at Hokuto, a bit surprised and unsure of what to say. The sincerity in Hokuto's eyes lingers. His unexpected words resonate quietly, filling the empty parking hall, and perhaps, they create a warm sensation in Taiga's chest too. Maybe it's okay to feel bad sometimes, even without a reason. Yet, it doesn't change the fact that there are people who genuinely care without asking anything in return.
"I-- thanks Hokuto?" Taiga manages to say.
"That's all. Just wanted to say that."
"Hokuto," Taiga frowns.
"You… do believe that, right?"
"I believe that," Taiga starts slowly. "Of course I do, it's just…" His words falter as Hokuto takes another step toward him, now standing incredibly close.
Hokuto looks contemplative, and his left hand shakes slightly as he raises it toward Taiga's face.
"Would it help if I showed it to you?" he asks.
Taiga remains silent—unable to respond, not with Hokuto's eyes so near and vivid, not with Hokuto already closing the distance.
So he doesn't answer. He sees what's coming and lets it happen.
Taiga becomes motionless as Hokuto leans in, gently pressing his mouth against Taiga's.
Hokuto's lips are so soft.
The touch of Hokuto's left hand lightly tracing Taiga's jaw guides him into the rhythm of the kiss. Then Hokuto's both hands come to cradle Taiga's face as he keeps gently sucking Taiga's lower lip.
At some point, one of them eases away first—Taiga can't discern which—and they find themselves standing with foreheads pressed together. Taiga feels the soothing caress of Hokuto's hand on his cheek, and he instinctively leans into the touch, basking in the warmth of it.
"Seriously, a voice message as a birthday greeting?" Taiga suddenly says, and Hokuto laughs at that as they withdraw from each other's touch completely.
"Surprising, right?"
"Who even uses that feature?"
"Sometimes, actions speak louder than words," Hokuto says softly, his eyes fixed on Taiga's.
Taiga nods, the warmth in his chest seemingly there to stay.
"Thanks for today," Hokuto says, his smile genuine but a little bit mysterious as Taiga's ride arrives. "Now, go home and have a good rest. We'll see each other soon."
As Taiga steps into the backseat of the car, his lips still tingle with the lingering warmth of Hokuto's kiss.
Unable to contain a smile, he watches the passing scenery outside the window.
He doesn't know why, he really doesn't know, and maybe it's just because he let it all out earlier by crying against Hokuto's shoulder. It's just that one, it must be.
In any case, his whole heart feels lighter.
Taiga absentmindedly brushes his lips with his fingertips.
That inexplicable lightness in his heart hints at a change. For something better, for sure.
Or maybe it's not a change. Maybe it's just all that has been there all along, and he's just been refusing to see it lately.
Something like that.